My brother struggled with social awkwardness when he was younger -- his solution, as you suggest, was to randomly lie down in public places, drop food in grocery stores, and otherwise embarrass himself in ways that proved to be totally inconsequential after the brief moment of shame. It worked; he's now extraordinarily charismatic. It's important to talk to the spiders!
I found taking up social dancing does wonders on giving awkward, shy people confidence. You’re forced to interact with others who also feel awkward and are making mistakes learning dance steps. Takes you out of your comfort zone.
As always, so many excellent points in this one. "But every time you accept the opportunity to be cruel, you increase the ambient level of cruelty in the world, which makes all of us more likely to end up on the wrong end of a pointed finger." might be my favorite part.
>So when people meet someone new, they go, “that was pretty good!”, but when they imagine meeting someone new, they go, “that will be pretty bad!”
We ran a study on this some years back, and found the same results. But we also measured how well people remembered their initial low expectations, thinking it could be an effective intervention to remind them what a pleasant surprise it was to talk to someone new. We were surprised to find that no one remembered how bad they thought it would be. People retroactively upgraded their initial expectations to be not that far off from their actual experience, so there wasn't much improvement to celebrate. Not sure if there's any research pitting the need for internal consistency against the desire to weed out false beliefs, but if not it would be make for a fun experiment.
I've experienced what those studies show. This is an interesting view into these aspects of interactions with people.
I learned a wonderful social maneuver for that moment, while hanging out at someone else's house and it's getting late. The involved parties are most likely having a good time but the host may have to get up early in the morning. The contrary is also a possibility. Social clumsiness may play into this situation but even the most socially astute can hang around too long. So what to do?
Well, I learned this from some canadian folks who lived north of the border with Maine. They ran a resort in the woods (lodge and cabins). This scene played out in the Lodge on a regular basis, as they hosted their customers in the evenings. The host is thinking: "would you go back to your cabin (home) so I can go to bed" ... but this social genius actually says: "I'm going to bed so you can go home!". Funny as hell and completely disarming. There is also a similar statement that can be used by the guest: "Would you go to bed, so I can go home?"
Both parties are probably having fun and are too polite to break up the fun too early. It is a great way to break up a gathering with a good laugh, as you say goodbye and head out the door.
I have a funny, charismatic female friend who says "Get the hell out of my house!" when it's time for everyone to leave. It would be so off-putting from most people, but she makes it work.
You may want to look into Improv (Improvisational Comedy). They don't advertise it as a solution, but it sure does the training in that direction. Through repetition, no fail, and rapid collective reality building.
I found that doing some Improv helped me to hear what people are really saying (the important part of a large speech).
And doing even more improv helped me to hear what people were NOT saying (pattern matching/gap detection).
Those feel like very useful skills for socially awkward.
I’ve been reading your work for three years now and I think this is one of the kindest and most humane things you’ve ever written (and that’s a high bar).
Loved the middle layer about reducing self-focus, and this line: "Ultimately, self-love and self-hate are both forms of self-obsession." I think we all spend wayyy too much time in modern life looking at and thinking about our physical bodies and personality traits and analyzing every little thing - even if the analysis is harsh and the conclusion is negative, it's still self-obsession!!! The healthiest way to get rid of those neuroses isn't to ruminate on and try to "solve" them until you're beautiful and charming, but to just be like "my ears stick out when I wear my hair up like this, but whatever" and then go about your day. Just stop thinking about yourself and how others view you so much!!! It's something I've been working to cultivate the past few years and it's helped clear out my mental space and reduce my anxiety substantially.
I've been delayed reading this due to - let's just say "life". But have been looking forward to making the time and yet again you have not disappointed. I laughed aloud at the people-in-terrariums idea, and reflected that while your sample sizes may be small, and your theories untested in the real world, I'm pretty sure that knowing your results has helped me ease up on some of my anxiety over the years.
Adam, I've been in (very expensive) therapy for social phobia for a while, and you've nailed it. Some of the most important words in this piece are "near-universal affliction." So many of us feel completely alien and weird because of our awkwardness. Getting into our heads that nearly everyone else does too? Priceless.
One of the most interesting, surprising and helpful Substack posts ever. Like many (I suspect) I realize I have invented rough-hewn versions of some of these solutions (For instance, I think 75 % of the world's journalists are "I will focus on you people and thus forget about myself for a brief blissful time" types.)
Do you think the onion layers are highly correlated? I'm asking because I have my decent/possibly above average quota of foot in the mouth moments (which I do typically defuse with "typical me"), badly exacerbated by moving between cultures in my late 20s, but I seem to have well below average amounts of the other two layers, to the point that in my dotage I'm considering actively developing some of that self-focus (as it might benefit me in some contexts I think).
My brother struggled with social awkwardness when he was younger -- his solution, as you suggest, was to randomly lie down in public places, drop food in grocery stores, and otherwise embarrass himself in ways that proved to be totally inconsequential after the brief moment of shame. It worked; he's now extraordinarily charismatic. It's important to talk to the spiders!
I found taking up social dancing does wonders on giving awkward, shy people confidence. You’re forced to interact with others who also feel awkward and are making mistakes learning dance steps. Takes you out of your comfort zone.
Ah, interesting — my partner is a dance teacher and she’s suggested the same thing, based on how adults in her classes open up over time.
Improv classes help too! You (and everyone else) make so many stupid, funny mistakes that after a while they don’t matter anymore.
As always, so many excellent points in this one. "But every time you accept the opportunity to be cruel, you increase the ambient level of cruelty in the world, which makes all of us more likely to end up on the wrong end of a pointed finger." might be my favorite part.
Thank you for sharing this. Funny, insightful, practical and gentle call to come out…and draw out those around us.
>So when people meet someone new, they go, “that was pretty good!”, but when they imagine meeting someone new, they go, “that will be pretty bad!”
We ran a study on this some years back, and found the same results. But we also measured how well people remembered their initial low expectations, thinking it could be an effective intervention to remind them what a pleasant surprise it was to talk to someone new. We were surprised to find that no one remembered how bad they thought it would be. People retroactively upgraded their initial expectations to be not that far off from their actual experience, so there wasn't much improvement to celebrate. Not sure if there's any research pitting the need for internal consistency against the desire to weed out false beliefs, but if not it would be make for a fun experiment.
Super interesting, thanks for sharing!
I've experienced what those studies show. This is an interesting view into these aspects of interactions with people.
I learned a wonderful social maneuver for that moment, while hanging out at someone else's house and it's getting late. The involved parties are most likely having a good time but the host may have to get up early in the morning. The contrary is also a possibility. Social clumsiness may play into this situation but even the most socially astute can hang around too long. So what to do?
Well, I learned this from some canadian folks who lived north of the border with Maine. They ran a resort in the woods (lodge and cabins). This scene played out in the Lodge on a regular basis, as they hosted their customers in the evenings. The host is thinking: "would you go back to your cabin (home) so I can go to bed" ... but this social genius actually says: "I'm going to bed so you can go home!". Funny as hell and completely disarming. There is also a similar statement that can be used by the guest: "Would you go to bed, so I can go home?"
Both parties are probably having fun and are too polite to break up the fun too early. It is a great way to break up a gathering with a good laugh, as you say goodbye and head out the door.
Happy New Year !!
Those are good. Thanks for sharing
I have a funny, charismatic female friend who says "Get the hell out of my house!" when it's time for everyone to leave. It would be so off-putting from most people, but she makes it work.
You may want to look into Improv (Improvisational Comedy). They don't advertise it as a solution, but it sure does the training in that direction. Through repetition, no fail, and rapid collective reality building.
I found that doing some Improv helped me to hear what people are really saying (the important part of a large speech).
And doing even more improv helped me to hear what people were NOT saying (pattern matching/gap detection).
Those feel like very useful skills for socially awkward.
Been doing it since 2010, agreed on all counts 🙂
Q: how can you tell a mathematician has good social skills? A: they are staring at someone else’s shoes. 😀
Avoiding cruelty is great advice.
There's a zen saying about bad things:
Don't think it. If you think it, don't say it. If you say it, don't do it.
Another banger ! I just love the way you write.
To everyone : if you have recommandations of other substack/blog like Adam's I'd be down
I’ve been reading your work for three years now and I think this is one of the kindest and most humane things you’ve ever written (and that’s a high bar).
Loved the middle layer about reducing self-focus, and this line: "Ultimately, self-love and self-hate are both forms of self-obsession." I think we all spend wayyy too much time in modern life looking at and thinking about our physical bodies and personality traits and analyzing every little thing - even if the analysis is harsh and the conclusion is negative, it's still self-obsession!!! The healthiest way to get rid of those neuroses isn't to ruminate on and try to "solve" them until you're beautiful and charming, but to just be like "my ears stick out when I wear my hair up like this, but whatever" and then go about your day. Just stop thinking about yourself and how others view you so much!!! It's something I've been working to cultivate the past few years and it's helped clear out my mental space and reduce my anxiety substantially.
gosh man, this is so good...
thank you 🙏
I've been delayed reading this due to - let's just say "life". But have been looking forward to making the time and yet again you have not disappointed. I laughed aloud at the people-in-terrariums idea, and reflected that while your sample sizes may be small, and your theories untested in the real world, I'm pretty sure that knowing your results has helped me ease up on some of my anxiety over the years.
Thanks for sharing this information.
Adam, I've been in (very expensive) therapy for social phobia for a while, and you've nailed it. Some of the most important words in this piece are "near-universal affliction." So many of us feel completely alien and weird because of our awkwardness. Getting into our heads that nearly everyone else does too? Priceless.
I don't think you covered one extremely effective method of dealing with worry over how people perceive you:
Just don't GAF. Who cares what they think? You'll probably never see them again anyway.
One of the most interesting, surprising and helpful Substack posts ever. Like many (I suspect) I realize I have invented rough-hewn versions of some of these solutions (For instance, I think 75 % of the world's journalists are "I will focus on you people and thus forget about myself for a brief blissful time" types.)
Do you think the onion layers are highly correlated? I'm asking because I have my decent/possibly above average quota of foot in the mouth moments (which I do typically defuse with "typical me"), badly exacerbated by moving between cultures in my late 20s, but I seem to have well below average amounts of the other two layers, to the point that in my dotage I'm considering actively developing some of that self-focus (as it might benefit me in some contexts I think).
I would bet correlated in general but that still allows for cases like yours where they diverge